A gathering of ideas, rants, reflections leading up to the big day

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Traveling fools

This post is delving into personal thoughts and feelings. Please be kind and remember you are reading MY blog and I am not forcing any of my thoughts or concerns onto you. This post is also very free-form...I am working these issues out.

D$ and I had a great Memorial day weekend. We had dinner Friday with his sister, after dinner drinks with our favorite friends in Phoenix. Saturday we drove North east, to a little "Nation-town" on the Navajo Nation. Our friends are up there doing a medical rotation and it is a great launching points for some of the prettiest spots in AZ, maybe the country.

We went to Lee's Ferry and hiked around the Colorado River, spotted some California Condors, were rained on and shone upon.

Sunday we spent at the North Rim of the Grand Canyon. If you've been to the GC, you most likely went to the South Rim, the North- if you can do it- is less crowded, quieter and just as spectacular. We did a few rim hikes but mostly stood and awed at the sites.

Here's where we get to the nitty gritty. Our friends we visited in Phoenix are Child-free. Our friends in Northern AZ have a 6 month old. I thought I would walk away from this trip feeling a longing for the baby. Don't get me wrong, I held him and squeezed him and cooed at him as much as possible for the time we were together. When he fell asleep holding my finger, I thought I had died and gone to heaven. But then, when he woke up and screamed and carried on...I wanted to shoot myself in the head. And here's the real kicker: He is a great baby. He only cried for food and to be changed. He at six months, is babbling and finding his voice and all I wanted was quiet.

I found myself jealous of our PHX friends who like to travel as much as us and the freedom they are enjoying. I found myself resentful of the baby for hindering our trip. We couldn't do a 10 mile hike, because of the baby. We couldn't go down 4 miles into the canyon because the trail was too steep to carry the baby pack with us.

Last night D$ and I were relaxing on our porch planning our next adventures. Next summer came up and we have a few vacations in the work already. Then I made the comment: These plans are all void if we have a baby. That stopped us both short.

I know there is never a right time to have a baby, right?...there is always something we can argue about: traveling, our careers, housing, blah blah. But there can be a WRONG time.

We aren't making any decisions one way or another. But dear god, there is something so appealing to me about being child-free. Something I never really considered before. And this is where I am scared...once you start doubting your desire to pro-create, can you come back from that?

The one thing I am sure of now is that I owe it to myself and to my marriage to explore these feelings and doubts with serious consideration.

post script. These thoughts are fresh...like 12 hours fresh. They are not fully formed and I am just learning how to handle them. I thought a first good step is to write them out. If you are interested in someone who is decidedly child-free and lays out a wonderful map as to how she and her husband got there read this.


Blablover5 said...

You ever notice how when people say "It's a free country" what they really mean is "You're weird for liking or wanting to do that thing that's different from the norms and I'll pick on your for it later."

But it's incredibly stupid to pick on someone for making a major life decision that will affect them for really the rest of their lives because they go against the nuclear family stereotype.

Though I think we all go through a moment of "Oh man if I had a baby I would never get to do this again." Even though my husband and I are both really looking forward to having kids there are still times when I stop and realize that I'll have basically no time to myself for a good 5 years and that's just for one.

But it is certainly much more realistic to debate the consequences instead of some people who just seem to have children because it's what everyone does.

Plus if you do remain a childless couple at least you can be the awesomest aunt and uncle ever.

Mary Michal said...

I think it's extremely smart of you to think these things through. It's a huge life changing decision. You should be certain that it's what you want before you have kids, and if it's not, that's okay. It is, after all, your life.

Linda said...

Tai and I have talked at length about having or not having a baby. We're getting older and time is short to make that decision. We've decided to be child-free for a lot of the same reasons you are talking about. I imagine you and your hubby will talk about it a lot before deciding.
If I were 10 years younger I would probably feel different but we make choices based on now.