A gathering of ideas, rants, reflections leading up to the big day

Wednesday, June 18, 2008


Um, I really thought we had a fabulous idea. Now, I am concerned about how this will be perceived.

Here's the story: We are inviting 150 people to the whole shebang: ceremony, dinner, dessert, dancing. We are inviting 80-100 people for dessert, drinks, late night food.

Then yesterday on my beloved Weddingbee I read this board about another bride doing the same thing! The other brides were not so nice about the idea.

Let me explain. We don't have a b-list (secondary guest list). We are really fortunate that our guest list of 147 is all our family, loved ones and friends. We have a second list (lets call them the others, shall we) of 80-100 friends that are just pals. The others, they aren't the B list of guests, they are people who would not be invited to our wedding otherwise. The others are people who we were once close to, but no, not so much. The others are our tailgating buddies. The others are our favorite bartenders. The others are co-workers and former co-workers. The others all live in the Old Pueblo. Our feeling is we want to share our day with a bunch of people and if that means the dude who sits next to us at the bar three days a week...that's who is coming.

We spoke to some close advisers and they all approved. We poured over our guest list, and poured and poured. So here we have it: 147 invited to it all, and about 100 for after dinner. As we start getting no's back, a few of the 100 will move into those spots, but very few.

When the others show up, dinner will be cleared, dessert will be served, bar will open. A late night snacky treat will be served at 9:45ish.

What do you guys thinks (I may regret this open ended question)? Do you think it is rude to the others? How would you feel if you were an other?


Linda said...

I think it really depends. If I was a close friend and not invited to the ceremony part I would be offended. More of an acquaintance not so much. If you feel comfortable doing that, I have no problem. It doesn't feel right to me but I'm not going to pass judgment.

Jennifer said...

[Disclaimer: I'm not just "being nice" because I'm your friend. This is my opinion.]

Okay, I read through some of the responses to that poor girl's question. And I get it that some people might be offended or whatever. But I think that anyone who is close enough to you to feel offended that they weren't invited to the whole shebang would be invited to the whole shebang, you know?

From what it sounds like, the people invited to the after-party (if you will) are people who wouldn't expect an invite at all -- just because of the nature of the relationship you guys have with them. I think that the people who responded that they would be sad or offended are thinking that this would be a close friend that was bumped to B-list. You're not slimming your ceremony list by "bumping people down" or "demoting people" to this B-list -- you came up with two distinct lists from the get-go! It sounds to me like you (and the girl who was virtually-mauled by the responses) are being generous, and are just lucky to have so many people you want around you to party it up on your special day!

I know guest lists are like, one of the ugliest parts of wedding planning, or at least so I've heard. You don't have to spend the money for the after-party to have the others join you. You just want them to be there, at your first party as man and wife. I think that's awesome.

Jenna said...

We are solving this problem by having an "open house" the week after, where we will dress up in our wedding outfits and cut cakes and do it all over again, for much less than our ~$90/person tab is at the hotel. Technically these people would all be considered our "B-List". I doubt that I would get attacked on Weddingbee for doing such a thing. How is yours any different?

Blablover5 said...

My best friend did this. Essentially she just invited family to the wedding and then they had a non cocktail hour after that where there were sandwiches and some sides (she never had a real meal).

Then later in the night their friends came to drink some (they got like 2 kegs and gave everyone a drink ticket) and have some cake. It really didn't bother anyone at all.

I suppose a lot of it just depends on where you live and what people are used to/expect.