Little things

I was on my way home from work yesterday. The sun was shining, birds were chirping, flowers blooming and I had full intentions to go to the gym.

Then I turned into the shopping center, the one with the over priced pedicures. And I paid too much for a woman to massage my feet and gams for an hour. And paint them fire engine red. And be delicate with my still broken tootsie.

That was way better than working out.

Madoff rhymes with Layoff

Yesterday someone handed me this quote: The brook would lose it's song if we removed its rocks.


Layoffs have hit my work. I am surprised and not. I work in Non-Profit work, and although we DO such great things in this world, it is all at the mercy of the donors. And if donors aren't donating- well we either have to cut programs or staff. I have to hand it to the Executive Council, and the Executive Director, they cut *few* programs, many that can go on hold for a few years, but do not directly hurt the people throughout the world that we serve. (example we cut a continuing adult education program that focused on spiritual journey and not the continuing adult education program that focuses on assimilating those folks who have ended up in our area because of religious asylum. )

And if you didn't get the reference above, I do work for Jewish organization.

Two staff were cut, and that blows. And one- was my boss- the dude I hated seeing everyday. However, my heart breaks for him and his family and I have survivors guilt.

It'll be an interesting few days/weeks/months here till we all get on our feet. How is everyone else coping? Any other layoffs out there?

Do we not know what we don't know?

We are okay.

We bought some more liquor and sparkling water tonight.

I just purchased a wedding gift for my Fi.

But I am afraid we are forgetting something. We confirmed with our vendors, we have checks ready to hand out, honeymoon reservations have been confirmed.

So what are we forgetting? I know it is my nature to fret and wait for the other shoe to drop, and for a worrier, a wedding is filled with things to worry over.

The bright side? My wonderful SIL booked us for massages on Thursday. Good thing too as my right shoulder is hard as a rock with tension.

Weather!

We live in the desert. We are lucky to get 10 inches of rain a year and in October we are lucky if we get an inch. So planning an outdoor wedding in Tucson SHOULD be a safe bet, no?

Our ceremony and reception is outdoors.

Currently the weather sites all give us a 30% chance of rain before 7pm. That blows. Big time.

I know we are still 5 days out, but PLEASE rain, rain go away. Come back on Sunday.

(Waving white flag)

I surrender. I surrendered to Fi this morning when I forwarded him the SEVEN emails from his mom. He asked if he could answer them and I said yes (I think I may have screamed it, but agreed none the less).

I surrender to the realization that I have been a royal biatch to everyone lately, throwing out ultimatums and threats like candy at a parade. My deepest apologies to everyone.

I surrender to this cold/allergies/stress bubble turned into snot that's in my head. I will let go.

I FULLY, COMPLETELY, for the last time, surrender to the idea that at the end of the day....I will be married and that is all that matters.

No one is more disappointed than me, so shut up

Yes, we had a guest list originally of 200 folks. Yes we CUT it to shreds, yes we had 1/3 of our guest list respond that they can not attend. And yes, for the love of all things holy- that royally sucks.

As my vendor it doesn't help you to point this out to me. I am already saddened more than you will know that all these loved ones can't come.

As my future mother-in-law it doesn't make me feel better when you point out how many of my family aren't coming.

As a helpful friend, it doesn't make me feel any better that I ONLY have 14 tables to deal with.

The Pole story

This is not a story about a stripper pole class ala GoLightly, nor about That Bride's husband to be (couldn't help myself!) but rather a cautionary tale my Fi came home with last night.

We were laying in bed watching the Office (season 2) and Fi pauses the disc the, shuts the computer, turns to me and says- we need to talk.

SH*T.

Then he starts rambling about Cesar in his office who was back from vacation yesterday. Fi asked Cesar about his vacation and Cesar said it was nice. Cesar asks about the wedding and Fi says its coming together and its in less than 3 weeks. yadda yadda.

And I have no idea what this means to me. Because this is how I explain my day to Fi, through recounts of conversations or blogs. Fi, well he usually says "it was fine, I had to work on Project X and I had a hot dog for lunch". We communicate differently, and that is cool- but for the life of me, I couldn't figure out why the need for such detail- now!

Then Cesar tells Fi that about 3 weeks before his own wedding, his Fi, Angela was so stressed out that while she was driving she hit a pole. Fi expressed concern for my own stress levels (which made me more stressed and made me cry- AGAIN) and asked that I do my best not to hit a pole.

To which I responded by asking if Cesar had mentioned that Angela was only stressed out because Cesar kept forgetting to complete his to do list?

Fi didn't like that so much.

But this morning as I drove to work, I thought about being in the moment and not working on table seating as I usually do while driving.

So from Cesar to fi to me and now to you...may we all avoid poles while driving.

Panic Attack Monday

Thought I forgot about Panic Attack Mondays didn't you? Well I did, until today.

Fi's ring arrived in the mail. It is pretty and shiny and a perfect symbol of our love.

But sheesh, it sent me into a bit of a tizzy.

This is really happening, eh?

Taking stock

Nothing really puts your life in perspective like having a wedding. You make your guest list and it is impossible not to count how many on your side and how many on his side. You make out a shower guest list only to see that you have fewer friends than you thought. Then to have responses come in and see "your" side dwindle dramatically or to have four of your friends throw a shower that only 4 other people are attending....well it ain't easy.

I am confident in my friendships. I feel good about myself, but to see it on paper like that, well, it just makes me a feel a bit sad. However, I spoke to my mom this week who is visiting her roommate from her freshman year in college. That means they have been friends since 1963! I asked my mom how their visit was and she said "oh, its just like we saw each other yesterday" even though it has been maybe 12 years since they saw each other last.

That gives me hope and more confidence. My pal Amy, my bff since 1991, I see her once a year and it is like what my mom described above. Just like yesterday. My Tucson bff, matchmaker Mel, she travels a lot for work and we don't see or speak to each other as often as I would like, but it is always just like yesterday.

If I can give future brides out there one piece of advice, it would be not to focus on quantity and lists and numbers. But rather, take this time to relish what you have. So on Saturday when I am at the world's most intimate bridal shower, I am determined to receive the love from my friends who are there and not worry about numbers.

Oh Poo!

I ordered a rehearsal dinner dress in two sizes from J Crew. I ordered them form the store on the red phone (which always makes me think of Ronald Reagan). I get back to the office, check my email for the confirmation and the email states that the dresses are final sale...NO RETURNS.

I immediately called J Crew, explain to them that when I ordered on the red phone no one said that explicitly. So why in the world would I order the same dress in two sizes? (Especially since the sales lady in the store encouraged me to order both- "then you can always return one"). So they were gracious, marked my account and said that I could return them if necessary. Which was great-because I looked horrific in them. I really appreciate their effort to help me in this situation.

Back to the store to return the dresses and order a new one (right size, right style). While I am returning I have the opportunity to 1. put the return back on my card 2. Get a gift card 3. get cash and 4. Get a check? ...so the gift card is the easiest..the money is in my hot little hand in no time.

The lovely dude who helped me, set up the gift card, walked me over to the red phone and viola I ordered my new dress. It came the other day and I love it and it fits and looks beautifully.

So why am I telling you all of this? I was online last night checking my balance and J Crew had charged my card for the price of the dress, instead of using the gift card, as I had authorized during the transaction. Perhaps they took all my gift card money too.

I called customer service right away. The woman I spoke to said she would file a "claim" to be "investigated". However she could not tell me the balance of my gift card. And more frightening to me- on that second transaction I NEVER gave my credit card number. Which means that J Crew keeps it on file. (To which I was comforted "well we only see the last four digits").

The major issue I have is that I did not authorize the use of my card. Secondly, I did not authorize J Crew (nor any other retailer) to keep my card on file. Is this anew practice? Shouldn't I be asked before they hold my information?

I was told that "if" my claim proved correct (um excuse me?) I won't see my money for 5-10 business days. Really? 5-10 days! (Which is the reason I took the effing gift card to begin with, I wanted to exchange my items, and that was the best and quickest option they had!)

So J Crew, my favorite retailer of all...all I have to say to you is "Poo on you J Crew". You swindled me and I want my money back.

Self-Awareness

I am changing. My identity and my core understanding of myself is shifting. The way the world views me and will approach me is twisting.
When Fi and were first engaged, the wife of one of Fi's college buddies- a woman I barely know- gave me a book. She said it changed her engagement process and hoped it would help me. This was May 2007. I read it, poked a round and appreciated it. Now, a mere 23 days until the wedding, I read it every chance I get.










The Conscious Bride: Women Unveil Their True Feelings About Getting Hitched
by Sheryl Paul



It is not the best written book in the world, but it speaks to me. Ms Paul breaks the book into 7 chapters that starts with the experience of engagement through the first year of marriage.


Ms Paul goes into great depth in the first couple chapters about how getting married is a right of passage but for some reason our culture lets brides (and grooms) go it alone. Historically, ones right of passage brought a community together. Think of such passages in your own life: baptism, graduations, etc. People came together. Well they do come together for a wedding to, but what Ms. Paul says is that the actual engagement period is a right of passage within itself.



What the book really does well is discuss the dark side of getting married. About how I am changing (like every bride before me) and how beautiful as that is, it is also painful and sad. I am aware now that one of the reasons I am not changing my name, is that it is my way of saying "yeah, so I'm in this union, but don't forget about me!". Some of you commented that changing your name was important to you- because you wanted that union, that association with your husband, rather than your parents. I get that totally, but I guess part of me isn't ready to let go of my parents...or perhaps I fear I may lose myself.


This book has really put a spotlight on this emotional rollercoaster I've been on, and helps me cope with these feelings. There middle chapters are dedicated to the separations (real or imagined, actual or metaphorical) that one goes through during this process. Ms Paul examines family, friends, fiance and self.


The first read through, I struggled with Ms Paul's' approach to marriage and her explanations. She is married and often talks bluntly about cutting ties with your parents and family. I scoffed. I'm not cutting ties, I'm building new ties with Fi's family. But the closer I get, the more I realize that it's not just me cutting these "ties" with my parents, it is society. And essentially I am. In less than a month I will forever be associated, tied to my husband first, before my parents.


A wonderful couple chapters "The Quest for Perfection" and "Has Everyone gone Mad?" have been therapeutic to read and re-read. In the "Quest" Ms Paul examines brides who strove for the perfect wedding only to fail, sometimes so drastically their marriages fell apart too. However, the tails of woe aren't shared in a Lifetime TV movie of the week, but rather for me as cautionary tales.

I particularly enjoyed "Mad" and have recently photocopied the appropriate pages and mailed them to my Mom and Dad. Again, using real bridal anecdotes I read about fathers who waited till right before walking their daughter's down the aisle to express sorrow and loss. So, I have tried during phone calls and emails to talk to my dad about the shift between us. He often says our relationship adapted when I moved 1000 miles away, we'll be fine,or he changes the topic to football. But my mom has let it slip that my dad has cried and he is emotional about the wedding. "Mad" also discusses blow-ups with mothers, siblings, friends, Fis, really everyone around us. I see in myself the need to push people away right now. To be alone, to be ME.

The final chapter discusses the newlywed stage and how the roles our mothers and grandmothers played are not our roles today. This is written quickly, but with enough advice for someone that if you hadn't divided the labor within your home, you could effectively. Surprisingly though, the women Ms Paul interviews for this section all admit to needing to nest and take care of their new husbands, even if they had lived together for years.

This book has at the very least provided me with some insight and at the most been like a bible to me. I find great comfort in this book. It has provided me the opportunity to stop thinking of escort cards and start thinking about what this wedding is really- a rite of passage. That this is another phase of my life.

Fi and I are solid, you know? And perhaps I am still being ignorant when I see our transition into married life as smooth and easy. I do know that it will be easier because of the work, the thinking and understanding I have gained from reading this book.

By the numbers

In my den:
250 paper flowers
312 bottles of beer
30 bottles of wine

RSVPS:
90 confirmed
18 confirmed no's
47 unconfirmed

Misc:
10 wedding gifts we've received
1 more shower to attend
24 days to go
17 hives I can count on my body (induced by stress)
12 items on my to do list.

Killing me slowly

I have never been the epitome of grace. I have always been a bit clumsy. Lately, however, I have turned into the world's clumsiest person.

Is this some unconscious way of avoiding the wedding? Am I trying to harm myself prior to my nuptials?

Friday I stabbed myself in the hand with a pencil and now that cut is infected (despite my attempts at cleaning, bandaging and disinfecting). Saturday and Sunday I had horrific bouts of IBS. Today I cut my heel, just shy of a major artery but there was still lots of blood.

What in the heck is happening to me? Did I mention that I will be walking down a staircase at least twice at my wedding? Once coming down the "aisle" with my dad and once as Fi and I are introduced. Can't you just picture me tripping on those! Is it too late in the game for finishing school?

Today? Not so much.

This morning I asked Fi if we could cancel the wedding. He said okay. We won't. But it is nice to know he would cancel with me.

I'm just not into this anymore. I am done with disappointing his mother. Every decision WE make is an assault to her sensibilities. No cake!? An outrage! No bouquet toss?! How dare you! No money dance!?! How uncouth.

My estranged brother is coming so that is adding more stress than is humanly necessary.

I *know* that when I walk down the aisle, everything will be okay...and I can not care.

These testing times though make it clearer than my Vera Wang crystal that Fi is the dude for me. He is so steddy eddy, so calm and calming. He'll get into bed with me at 8:00pm, cause I am done with the day and watch Finding Nemo for the ga-billionth time. He doesn't get mad when I burn part of dinner because I was sucked into ANTM ("13 beautiful young ladies stand before me...") and then told him I NEEDED to watch it, to take my mind off of wedding crap. And really nothing takes your mind off of wedding stuff like watching an Asian woman lie about her boob job!

So no, we won't be cancelling the wedding. But I am strangely comforted by the fact that fi agreed to cancel it with me.

I am also reminded of this country's sorrow today. I feel selfish for being stressed about a wedding when there are people still grieving, 7 years later. I was lucky and all I lost was a false sense of security, but I know many people lost more than they could have imagined. I am extremely grateful for what I have, especially those things I can not grasp entirely: freedom and independence.

So today I waiver between uncertainty, selfishness, gratitude and remembrance.

I *feel* good

So is this the calm before the storm? Could I really BE okay? I actually feel good and calm and normal....I mean I still have a shit load of stuff to doubt I am okay. Cause why? At the end of the day, the bottom line, the whole enchilada and the Big Lebowsky at 5:00 in the evening in 31 days I get to marry my best friend.

If I don't get table seating done, the guests will figure it out. And guess what folks? That's pretty much all I have left to do (except for finishing marriage counseling, planning the ceremony, ordering desserts, guest book details, finding a babysitter, booking bridesmaids lunch, booking mani/pedi appointments, talking to my photographer, paying everyone and finalizing our booze).
Not bad, eh?

Am I kidding myself? I hope not.

First Fitting!

Wanna see the pictures? Do you? Do you? Let me know and I'll post 'em (fi doesn't read this, so its safe)! Good news it fit!

Highlights from the fitting, in no particular order:
~Melisa (who is 3-4 inches shorter than me) trying to put the dress over my head...we were very happy when we found each other within all that dress!
~A customer in the shop wanted my dress, then was shocked when I said it was mine, until I explained, like no, I own it.
~When Jamie my favorite hairdresser, and yours, popped over to see me!
~Melisa and I trying to figure out how to get me OUT of the dress, with pins intact. It involved me dropping to my knees at just the right moment.
~When the up until then professional seamstress reached in and squeezed my boobs together, to then exclaim "Much better!" Then whisper to Melisa, "you'll need to make her bend-over to get her boobs in right". Oy vey.
~Last, but not least: the beer I drank post fitting (and the last one I drink until the wedding) and watching football for the rest of the day!

This is B.S.

Actually, it is IBS- irritable bowel syndrome. I was diagnosed in college, when I was under a lot of stress emotionally, trying to figure out who I was. After my life settled a bit and I became more sure of who I was, I had no problems.

Well, its back.

Not fun.

My weight is plummeting and not in a good way, I know it is because I am not absorbing enough nutrition from the food I consume. IBS is a constant battle and since I've basically been in a remission for 11 years, I have forgotten how to cope. I really do not want to go on any medications, so I need to adjust my diet. I asked my mom what I ate before and she reminded me "no salads, lots of soup". Which explains why yesterday was a banner day for me, I had a salad for both lunch and dinner!

To add insult to injury, Fi is sick. Like he slept on the pull-out, sick. I sprayed the whole house down with disinfectant and am washing my hands like I have OCD.

I hope this all passes soon, I can't imagine Fi and I living like this for the next 36 days.

Lets say it together: Back away from the DIY and no one will get hurt.

I went to the Z tonight to talk with some vendors and finalize a few things. The Z has this shed filled with crap* left over from weddings upon weddings. So I went and peaked in and found a few good things:
1. Those glass rock thingies to put at the bottom of a vase- check!
2. 72 glass votive holders- check!
3. 1 bajillion vases for my centerpieces- check!
4. Table numbers -check!

Then while waiting to talk to my DJ I ran into Amelia, my linen lady. We chatted and she invited me back to do a table mock-up. Awesome! I never thought about doing that! Then I showed her my invitation and she asked why I was using boring old ivory and champagne linens when I could use ivory and copper linens- check! I shared with Amelia my centerpieces and she like many before her was amazed that Mel, Jenn and I made the flowers! Well Amelia ran away with the copper, paper flower, Mexicana idea and suggested luminaries, or Terra cotta pots brushed with copper paint, or a bunch of other effing ideas that are now jumping through my head.

This is why we must now repeat together:
Back away from the DIY and no one will get hurt.
Back away from the DIY and no one will get hurt.
Back away from the DIY and no one will get hurt.
Back away from the DIY and no one will get hurt.
Back away from the DIY and no one will get hurt.

Right?
* there is a lot of lovely things in the shed, but most of it is the stuff at the end of the night that any bride in her right mind would say- nope trash it....it is the island of misfit wedding decore.

A bit of humble pie

I often think I know more about things than I really do. Case in point music. I've always had a few songs in my head for the wedding. And I am under the belief that live music better than recorded music (except in the case of Boys 2 Men, that concert in 1992 was horrible!).

So 2 of the three pieces I really wanted focus on the trumpet. I got online, contacted the University gig list, the local Symphony Orchestra...done. I got a great response back from a trumpeter who is the principal trumpeter for an orchestra in town. Done and done. Then I emailed him the selections I wanted. And he said great, he'd be happy to accompany an organ or a piano.

What?!

In my email I specified a soloist and the two pieces I wanted played. Now, I have to find an organist or a pianist...plus the instruments?! Now I am back to the drawing board. I'm not sure what to do about trumpet boy, if i should retain him, or drop him and start over.

The worst case scenario is we have our DJ push play and we listen to piped music. (gag) But between all the other musicians we've hired, I feel like that's a let down. I guess I could have my piper play both the recessional and the processional. But I've always wanted some brass.

Schuck-a-duckie.

Goodbye Google Reader

Dear Google Reader,

You have been one of the most wonderful technologies I have known. You take all my favorite blogs and let me know when they are updated. Instead of refreshing on Jumping the Broom every ten minutes, you kindly let me know when it is updated so I can visit the site and read away.



However, you have gotten away from me. The 25-30 wedding blogs I have subscribed to seem to update at an alarming rate. I can not possibly read 50-70 blog posts a day without going a little nuts. I have pared you down. I sometimes do the unthinkable and click "Mark all as Read" without reading.



As this wedding approached in 45 days (choke, cough, choke) I need to simplify. So Google Reader- goodbye. I have stripped you clean except for my few (you know who you are) must read daily blogs. These blogs are helpful to me. They don't taunt me with unnecessary stress and ideas. They are my webpals who are (or just have, or are just funny, or I like to pretend we are real friends) getting married soon too.

I'd like to say that I'll miss reading weddingbee or the bride's cafe, but something tells me I won't even miss them and my head will be a little less cluttered because of it!