This morning I asked Fi if we could cancel the wedding. He said okay. We won't. But it is nice to know he would cancel with me.
I'm just not into this anymore. I am done with disappointing his mother. Every decision WE make is an assault to her sensibilities. No cake!? An outrage! No bouquet toss?! How dare you! No money dance!?! How uncouth.
My estranged brother is coming so that is adding more stress than is humanly necessary.
I *know* that when I walk down the aisle, everything will be okay...and I can not care.
These testing times though make it clearer than my Vera Wang crystal that Fi is the dude for me. He is so steddy eddy, so calm and calming. He'll get into bed with me at 8:00pm, cause I am done with the day and watch Finding Nemo for the ga-billionth time. He doesn't get mad when I burn part of dinner because I was sucked into ANTM ("13 beautiful young ladies stand before me...") and then told him I NEEDED to watch it, to take my mind off of wedding crap. And really nothing takes your mind off of wedding stuff like watching an Asian woman lie about her boob job!
So no, we won't be cancelling the wedding. But I am strangely comforted by the fact that fi agreed to cancel it with me.
I am also reminded of this country's sorrow today. I feel selfish for being stressed about a wedding when there are people still grieving, 7 years later. I was lucky and all I lost was a false sense of security, but I know many people lost more than they could have imagined. I am extremely grateful for what I have, especially those things I can not grasp entirely: freedom and independence.
So today I waiver between uncertainty, selfishness, gratitude and remembrance.